Thoughts on the problems that human beings face

EMDR and Trauma

6/22/2024

Trauma. What is trauma? It's a word heard a lot these days. What is important where there is suspected trauma is to look at the impact of the event or events in question.
When someone’s nervous system is overwhelmed (think about that), by a very stressful, frightening or stressful event, then due to the make up of the human nervous system/brain/endocrine system, the results can be devastating and far reaching. This can lead to the development of defensive behaviours/ways of thinking and feeling which will directly impact someone's experience of life in the present. Many people, either through therapy, reflective thinking, reading etc may become aware that they are using these defensive mechanisms but feel that they have no control over doing any differently. More deep reaching therapeutic work is needed to reach it. EMDR can provide such a therapeutic intervention.

Childhood trauma
Many people associate EMDR work with working on a one off trauma such as an assault or accident etc Whilst it is extremely effective at dealing with such wounds, most people who seek therapy have had some kind of traumatic event(s) in their childhoods, causing ways of relating to themselves and others which are defective or causing them hurt. This is where incorporating EMDR into longer term therapeutic work can be extremely useful and the client can work with the therapist to identify significant (target memories).

Attachment Informed/focussed EMDR
When a traumatic event is reprocessed, it needs something positive to adapt to. This could be to do with how the client relates to themselves for example. If there has been missed needs in childhood (usually the case when someone seeks therapy) then the client may exhibit defective ways of relating to themselves which cause harm. These defective ways of relating to self can get triggered when doing EMDR so it is important to address these gaps first. Attachment informed EMDR (a phrase coined by Mark Brayne ) does exactly this and therapist and client can work to determine these missed needs and use EMDR techniques to resolve them first

How does it work?
What do we mean when we say we are reprocessing an event?
EMDR is an 8 phase model incorporating preparation, stabilisation, reprocessing and installation. The reporocessing phase consists of the client undertaking bi-lateral stimulation of the left/right hemispheres of the brain (sounds drastic, all it means is looking/tapping left and right) whilst thinking of the event, the feeling around it and the negative belief that the event has caused for the client. Remember: EMDR works from the basis that the unconscious wants to move towards health and that as such, given the right conditions, it knows how to heal itself.

0 Comments

Are you your own worst critic?

7/13/2016

Do you find yourself constantly putting yourself down, being hard on yourself, never giving yourself a break. The chances are that you have a strong internal critical Parent (see previous blog posts)
The way we criticise ourselves can take many forms but the result is usually the same - we feel we aren’t good enough, that other people are better than us or we can never achieve or reach perfection despite feeling driven to. The resulting feelings can be pretty negative - we can feel down, sad, angry, depressed, anxious etc.
According to TA theory, the Parent ego state is integrated in our earlier life - see previous blog - we integrate values, judgements, messages and so on from our parents and parental figures - e.g. older siblings, relatives, teachers etc. If our parents are critical then we will integrate this into our own Parent ego state and become internally critical towards ourselves.
It often works like this: If a parent is critical towards a child then the child will normally believe them - if they weren’t to believe them then this would make the parent wrong in their eyes and therefore flawed and not OK. Now for a child to realise his parents are wrong and not OK can be disastrous - if a child’s primary care givers are flawed then where does that leave the child? Not in a very good or safe place and the child’s chances of happiness and indeed survival are diminished. The child looks up to the parent and wants to keep them in a good place - therefore they believe the parent but to do so must mean that they themselves are the problem, that there is something wrong with them and they are no good. Further for the child, to believe that there is something wrong with themselves saves the parent from doing so - something which is more catastrophic for the child.
Now obviously this doesn't sit well with the child and so to try to compensate they may start to believe that 'to be OK around here then I have to make sure that I get things right, don’t mess up, be perfect' etc.
Many people who have a critical Parent are sensitive to criticism - it can be very hurtful for them and they’ll try to prevent it at all costs (eg by being perfect). Remember such a person is down on themselves enough as it is, striving to get things right - if someone else criticises them then this means that they are failing at this.
For some, being critical of themselves can be a form of protection - if they believe they are bad then they will ‘get there first before anyone else’ - therefore this lessens the impact of other negative reactions towards them. If they are their own worst enemy then anyone else can only do minimal damage.
Many people believe that being critical of themselves is good for them - it pushes them and makes them become a better human being, they don’t want to lose this part of themselves as they worry that if they do so their standards might drop. They think they are doing themselves a favour by being more productive, not taking their eye off the ball etc but the result is actually that they are stifled, they feel down, hurt, in the doldrums.
Further they may feel that they don't deserve to be kind to themselves (or deserve kindness from others) - it feels alien to them - this is because inside they feel not ok. Instead, being critical of themselves keeps them in a familiar and comfortable place despite it being a pretty horrible place!
When such people do have success and ‘get it right’, the feel good factor is usually short lived (if lived at all). The old familiar drive soon kicks back in and they are back on the treadmill towards perfection.
So how can you ameliorate this part of yourself you may be wondering?
A good trick is to imagine saying what you say to yourself to someone else - and ask yourself: would I do that? The chances are you wouldn’t say such things to someone else so why say them to yourself.
Another thing to try can be to try imagining saying those things to yourself as a small child.
A question that is useful to ask yourself is - ‘How does this help me?” - you may think it does help but ultimately does it? Do the ‘positive’ results in your life outweigh the bad feelings and further, is being self critical the only way to get those ‘good results’? In my experience this is not the case and being supportive and kind to yourself is much more effective. Further, an important challenge to yourself can be changing what actually constitutes ‘good and positive results’ in your own world view.
A good exercise can be to sit and think about your good points - if you cant do this then its a good idea to talk to someone else - someone close or your therapist if you have one, and get them to tell your good points. The chances are that you find it hard to take compliments so a good exercise to try when someone does pay you a complement is to just sit with it, let it wash over you - see how that feels and be mindful of it - explore what happens to you inside. This may be uncomfortable but the exploration may throw up some realisations for you.
Being in such a way may feel so ingrained that it may feel almost impossible to shift. The first step is awareness which I’m guessing you may have if you’re reading this article. It also takes time and practice but most importantly of all it takes support - so try sharing this with a good friend or partner or if this is difficult then this is where therapy can really help.

Avoidance in Psychotherapy

6/13/2016

0 Comments

What do we mean by avoidance? Avoidance literally means ‘keeping away from’ or ‘withdrawing from’. In psychotherapeutic terms we can understand this in terms of withdrawing from an aspect of ourselves in some way. This can take the form of suppression, repression, or literally just turning your minds eye away from or ignoring a thought, feeling or action. We usually do this because to confront this part of ourselves can be uncomfortable, painful or can even feel traumatic. It may be that we believe that in confronting this aspect, something bad will happen.
The way we avoid can take many shapes or forms and can be very personal to the individual.
Despite the process of avoidance feeling like a passive process it can take up a lot of energy and sometimes causes or is linked to depression, anxiety, tiredness, tension, stress, low self esteem, addictions, OCD, eating disorders and so on.
Lets look at some of the down sides of avoidance, which is best done by looking at some specific examples.

Lets say that someone does not feel comfortable expressing anger. It may be that growing up it was not permissible to show anger or that expressing it led to conflict. Now, anger is a natural emotion (as are all emotions!) and to feel anger is also a natural part of being human. However if someone has an internal message that showing anger is not ok then they may suppress it - which can lead to feelings of stress, powerlessness or incapacitation - and eventually the anger may burst out inappropriately anyway. (NB this is not to say that people should go around expressing anger inappropriately, but anger expressed appropriately and from the Adult ego state can be a force for change leading to assertiveness and preventing people walking over you).
Another example of avoidance can be seen with anger that is repressed - i.e. pushed down unconsciously - so much so that it is not even felt by the person. This can lead to feelings of tiredness, lethargy, depression, anxiety. (By the way, this does not mean that repressed anger is aways the cause of depression but certainly depression can be a result of such a repressed emotion).
Another common result of avoidance is anxiety - anxiety can be caused by the tension created by avoiding an aspect of ourselves.

A key way of tackling some of the problems associated with avoidance is acceptance. Acceptance can be as simple as turning your minds eye to the aspect of yourself that you are avoiding. And if you’re not sure what it is you are avoiding but are aware of the discomfort (eg the anxiety) - then facing the discomfort can be a great place to start. Other techniques can involve exploring yourself through techniques such as free association, dream analysis, body language, and mindfulness.
Mindfulness is a key route to acceptance and is a simple powerful tool that can allow us to be with ourselves in the here and now - to be aware of and accepting of what is going on within us.
Very often when we confront such aspects of ourselves we can be surprised at how actually OK they are. When we turn away from something it can hold power over us - children are sometimes afraid of the dark in it concealing unknown quantities (when actually there is nothing there) - when we are avoiding then the avoided aspect is unknown and can be scary. To face it means it can lose its power over you. And very often in being aware of and accepting our feelings, they can be expressed freely leading to relief and resolution.
It is important to note that if someone is avoiding something traumatic from their past, this does not necessarily mean that you have to revisit an original trauma to get relief from. Rothschild (2010) discusses this in working with clients with PTSD and discusses how people can be helped without revisiting the original trauma.
The best person to judge whether or not to confront something in yourself IS yourself - trust your instinct. And if you are not sure what your instinct is telling you then becoming mindful of yourself - this can be a great way to access your instinct.
Before I finish this post I’d like to share a couple of minor examples of avoidance to illustrate how common it is in human nature and the tension it can create. When I was writing this blog last week I became aware of a dustbin lorry outside banging and crashing as loads of bottles were being thrown into it. I was trying to write but becoming more and more irritated with the noise intrusion and noticed a feeling of stress. So instead of continuing to fight with the noise, I leaned back and just listened to it, I listened to the loud crashes and chinks of the bottles being crunched up inside the lorry. I also noted that it was quite an interesting and textured sound and I actually quite liked it in that moment. And as a result I relaxed. OK so I wasn't getting my work done momentarily but I felt better.
Another example I note is that when I shut my laptop, I immediately feel more relaxed. What has this to do with avoidance? Well I believe that in being online or staring at a screen as so many of us do daily, then we are avoiding ourselves in the very ‘being’ sense. When I shut my laptop lid I immediately become aware of a release of the tension that was there before.
(I think this is a phenomenon that it pertinent to the whole human race at the moment but that’s another post!)

0 Comments

Transactions - what puts the 'T' in TA

4/25/2016

0 Comments

Do you ever find yourself stuck in the same pattern of relating to someone, feel that the same things keep happening, the same outcomes - either with that person or with other people. We can analyse this in terms of Transactions.
Eric Berne defined Transactions as a basic unit of social discourse - basically a way of understanding communications between people. Simply put a transaction occurs when one person offers up a stimulus, usually verbal, and the other person responds. Hence we understand transactions in terms of stimulus and response.
For example:
Person 1 (Stimulus) - ‘Hi, how’s it going?
Person 2 (Response) - ‘Good thanks, how are you?”

We can understand this further if we look at ego states:

So in the above example, the first person initiates from their Adult ego state addressing the second person’s Adult. In this way we get a Complementary Transaction which is what occurs when the ego state addressed is the one that responds. This can go on indefinitely.
Complementary transactions can also occur between Parent and Child ego states. See the diagram below:

,In this instance, person one initiates from their Parent ego state and the second person responds from that which was addressed i.e. Child. An example of this might be
Husband (Parent, in caring voice): ‘Oh you look shattered you poor love’
Wife (Child, in tired voice): ‘Oh I am, I’ve had an awful day’
In this case the transaction is a complementary P-C transaction
Or
Manager (in Parent, aggressively): ‘You’re late again! What time do you call this?’
Employee (in adapted Child, adapted and cowering slightly): “I’m so sorry, I’ll make sure it doesn't happen again’
Manager: ‘You said that last time, this simply isn't good enough!’
Employee: ‘I’m really sorry, I’ll stay later after work this evening’
etc etc
Again we have a P-C transaction.
As mentioned, these transactions can go on indefinitely, and not just in one conversation - they can go on for years. Do you know someone with whom you always feel that you are in your Child ego state or maybe you know someone who you always feel nurturing and Parental towards. Have a think about which ego state they may be coming from and which one you respond from - are the transactions complementary?
It may be that in your long term relationships with friends or partners you are ‘stuck’ in a complementary transaction whereby one of you is often in the Parent role addressing the other’s Child or vice versa. For example, they always put you down making you feel like a child and as such you respond from your Child ego state, acting angrily or adapting to them. Or maybe you know someone for whom you always have to do everything because they seem so helpless in doing it themselves - here, you are in Parent and they are in Child.
One way to get out of this is to cross the transaction.
A crossed transaction is one where the ego state that responds is different to the one addressed.
See the diagram below:

Crossed transactions can be used in various ways to stop unsatisfactory transactions, to diffuse a situation, or they can be used negatively (eg to put someone down)
Example:
Irate customer shouting to shop assistant (P - C): ‘This is unacceptable, I’ve had to wait for 20 minutes to be served!’
Shop assistant (calmly from Adult addressing his Adult): ‘I am sorry sir, yes you have had to wait a long time, we’re short staffed today. Maybe you’d like to fill out a complaints form?’
Customer (backing down to A or even C): ‘No its, ok, I’ll leave it for now’

As you can see, by crossing the transaction, it can help to shift the person out of the ego state they were in.

See the following example:
Partner to wife (P-C): ‘Here let me do that for you, you’re useless!’
Maybe the husband and wife have been locked in this kind of pattern for years where the wife feels put down but rather than assert herself, she puts up with it, adapts and believes that she is useless.
However maybe through change she becomes aware of the pattern and she decides to assert herself, instead crossing the transaction from her Adult with something like:
Wife (A-A): ‘Thanks but its ok, i’d like to do it myself and take my time’.
or she could even cross the transaction from her own (angry) Parent with something like
(P-P) ’Don’t you dare speak to me like that! I am not an imbecile!’
Clearly in such a situation, this may rock the status quo which is something worth being aware of and ensuring that support is in place if such changes are going to be made.

A third kind of transaction is an ulterior transaction. This is where the social message conveyed hides the psychological, covert message hidden underneath.
eg
A guy says to his friend (A-A):
‘Fancy a game of pool?”
However the ‘secret’ message meant for the friend’s Child ego state is
‘Fancy a night out on the town?”
To which the friend responds from the Adult (but covertly form their Child)
‘Yes!’

See if you can think of other examples of ulterior transactions - in particular ones that you might make.

0 Comments

The Functional Model of Ego states in Transactional Analysis

2/24/2016

1 Comment

To gain a deeper understanding of the idea of ego states we can look at the functional model. This looks at how we use our ego states. The functional model splits the Parent and Child ego states into Nurturing Parent/Controlling Parent and Free Child/Adapted Child.

Any of these ego states can be appropriate depending on the situation. Also on further analysis it can be seen that usually each one can be viewed as more positive (or more helpful in a situation) or more negative (ie unhelpful) to yourself and those around you.
These states can exist in relation to both other people and to ourselves.

Child ego state
Free Child
When we are in our Free Child ego state this usually means that we are behaving independently of real or internal Parental pressures, usually when we are doing something that is for ourselves. We might be in our Free Child ego state when we are being creative, intimate, spontaneous, or reckless, selfish etc. As you can see some of these have more positive connotations and some negative. The best way to identify if one is positive or negative is to look at how appropriate/helpful it is to you and those around you. For example, if I drive recklessly for fun, but at the expense of others’ safety then I might be in negative Free Child, whereas if I paint a new picture for enjoyment or relaxation then I may be in positive Free Child.

Adapted Child
When we are growing up we learn to adapt to the demands and pressures of others - in particular our parent figures. This may mean - for example - conforming to rules, being polite in social situations etc. These may be the more positive aspects of the Adaptive Child - aspects that we carry with us into adulthood.
We also learn to adapt to the more unconscious pressures of our parents. For example, it may be that our parents were happier when we put others’ needs before our own, or when we hid certain feelings - for example sadness or anger. As we grow into adults we may find that constantly pleasing others and adapting to others' needs mean that we get walked over or we feel angry. And if we learnt to hide certain feelings from others as a child this may mean that as adults we feel 'shut off' or depressed or lack assertiveness. Again, to see if an aspect is positive or negative ask yourself how helpful it is to yourself and your overall mental well being.

Parent Ego State
Nurturing Parent
Aspects of the Nurturing Parent may be nurturing, caring, soothing etc. The positive elements of this may be more obvious but this can also be a negative, for example when we are smothering someone or rescuing them and therefore discounting their abilities.
Controlling Parent
When we are in Controlling Parent we may be doing things such as laying down rules, setting boundaries, enforcing guidelines etc. Positive aspects of these may be that we are keeping people safe or preventing chaos, or keeping ourselves on task. Negative aspects of the Controlling Parent may be when we are being critical, shouting, putting someone down or shaming them etc. For these reasons the negative Controlling Parent is sometimes called the Critical Parent. Many of you may recognise your own internal Critical Parent and have a critical dialogue in your head whereby you continually chastise yourself or beat yourself up for not being good enough - your Child in response may feel sad, angry, scared or depressed. Obviously the voice in this instance is not helpful - but this realisation alone and recognising its origins can sometimes be enough to help you to start diminishing this unhelpful voice.

Egograms
It can be useful to draw your own ‘Egogram’ - a concept developed by Jack Dusay - to see where you may want to rebalance or redistribute your own psychic energy.
An Egogram is simply a way of illustrating how much of each ego state you identify with and recognise within yourself. The height of each bar above each part of the ego state reflects the amount of time we might spend in that state. The egogram below depicts a person who has a high level of Critical Parent and not too much Free Child. Therefore to rebalance, this person might want to develop their Nurturing Parent (for example by being kinder to themselves) and learn how to have more fun. The idea is that investing a certain amount of energy into one area takes it away from the corresponding opposite, so that the amount of energy remains constant. Try drawing your own egogram and work out if you would like to rebalance some of your own ego states.

Some further reading:
Stewart, I. & Joines, V. (2012). TA Today. Lifespace Publishing

1 Comment

So what is Transactional Analysis?

12/17/2015

1 Comment

Transactional Analysis - or TA - is a theory of personality and communication developed by Dr. Eric Berne in the 1950s. It outlines our development, how we come to respond to our environment and how we relate to ourselves and others in the present. Some of the key points of TA are:

People are ok – they all have worth, value and dignity (they just may not do OK things), no one is one up from the other and we all have a right to be accepted.
We can all think and decide what is best for us and what we want (ie we are responsible for ourselves and our own actions). We can all change.
We make decisions as children about the world and how we will respond to it. We decide the best ways to survive and get what we want from world. We still often maintain these patterns as adults, patterns which are often counterproductive to us. (eg crying/manipulating/getting angry/sulking to get what we want)
Ultimately we decide how to react to a certain situation ie how to feel/think/behave – no-one has the power to make us feel a certain way.

The Ego State Model
Eric Berne introduced the concept of ego states to help us to understand how we relate to ourselves and others. An ego state is a consistent pattern of thinking, feeling and experience directly related to a corresponding consistent pattern of behaviour. (Berne 1964). Ultimately however it is a theory and not an actual fact. Ego states are portrayed as 3 circles stacked on top of each other.

Each of the ego states is appropriate for different situations. If you are being nurturing or authoritative you may be in your Parent ego state. If you are being playful or rebellious then you may well be in your Child ego state. And if you are assessing and responding appropriately to information in the here and now then you are probably in your Adult ego state. Note - Berne depicted these ego states with capitals - P,A,C. None of these ego states is 'better' than the other; a more intergrated person will be in touch with all three ego states at the appropriate times.

Parent ego state. When we are growing up we take in (introject) the ideas, values, feelings and behaviours of our primary caregivers (usually our parents). When we say something or feel just as our parents would have done then we are probably in our Parent ego state. When we are nurturing, telling off, commanding, controlling, etc then we may also be in our Parent ego state. And obviously as actual parents we will often be in our Parent ego state. Our Parent can also be used (positively and negatively) on ourselves. eg if we are kind to ourselves or if we are telling ourselves that we are no good.

Adult ego state. In the Adult ego state we are responding to the information in front of us directly and not unhealthily influenced by our beliefs from the past. We see people as they actually are and ask for information rather than projecting our own ideas onto them or making assumptions. A fully intergrated Adult will utilise all three ego states healthily and appropriately.

Child Ego state. When we are children we learn ways of responding which best get our needs met in response to our environment. As Adults we replay these strategies which may not always go down well with others - or indeed ourselves! For example, we may sulk or get angry to get our own way, we may adapt quickly to others and miss our own needs, we may feel particular feelings (eg fear or rebelliousness) towards people in a position of authority. Obviously these are the more negative aspects of the Child ego state. More positive aspects may come from our free Child such as being playful or creative. If we are talking to ourselves from our Parent ego state then our Child will usually respond, for example if our own Parent tells us that we are no good then our Child may get depressed, anxious or angry in response.

You may already recognise some of these aspects in yourself and realise that you have a 'favourite' ego state or one that you go into more naturally than others. If that is the case then it is worth becoming aware of this and starting to use this awareness to make changes where you might have unhealthy patterns of thinking, feeling and behaviour. I will post more on ego states and TA in a later post.

Some reading:
Berne, E. (1964) Games People Play. Grove Press
Stewart, I. & Joines, V. (2012). TA Today. Lifespace Publishing

1 Comment

Why choose psychotherapy? (Or any other talking therapy for that matter).

11/4/2015

0 Comments

There are dozens of ways that we can help ourselves - self help books, exercise, yoga, meditation, ‘alternative therapies’ etc so why choose psychotherapy as a way to sort through our problems?

As Aristotle said, we are by our very nature social animals. We are born into the world unable to survive alone. Our relationships help us to know who we are and we learn about the world from other people. Ultimately the survival of the human race depends on connections with others and our success as individuals and our fulfilment throughout life is deeply affected by other people. Therefore to make a connection with another person at a time of pain makes a lot of sense!
Talking about our problems and expressing feelings in the presence of someone else can be very healing. We can express feelings on our own and maybe find some relief from that but the therapeutic value may be missing. To do it in the presence of someone else can be so much more than just the release of emotion, it can mean having those feelings seen, recognised or valued, sometimes for the first time. Expressing sadness can mean getting some much needed nurturing, revealing anger may mean being heard and validated, expressing scare may mean that you receive some soothing or a way of rationalising the scare and being happy can mean celebrating with someone else. These are just examples and what is needed will differ depending on the individual.
Talking about our problems to someone else also means that we are getting another view point. When I first went into therapy I remember thinking that my ways of looking at the world, of being, thinking etc were pretty ‘normal’ and I subconsciously thought that everyone else thought this way. However, I soon realised that actually my way of being was just that: MY way and that there were lots of other ways of seeing the world and feeling, thinking and behaving. I found this incredibly liberating, that I didn’t have to remain stuck in my own ways but that there were plenty of options and other directions that I could go in.
Being in therapy also means that we can be challenged out of our comfortable ways of being. As mentioned we can get stuck in certain ways and having someone on the outside challenging our thinking, our doing or our feeling can be enormously helpful. An example of this might be to do with how you feel. You might have a particular comfortable way of feeling in reaction to certain relationships or situations. This way of feeling may not be pleasant, it might be downright miserable but you feel ok with it, you know the rules, you know how it works and you are used to it. On exploration you might realise that it’s your ‘favourite’ feeling, a default one almost but that it is entirely unproductive. Talking about this might be the first time that you actually give this feeling a voice, explore it, receive nurturing or validation if necessary. The important thing here can be that you are no longer ‘stuck’ with it and maybe you can move through it and resolve it with the help of someone else.
Ultimately deciding on a talking therapy gives yourself a strong message that you are not alone with your problems, that there is someone else to hear you and understand you. Everyone is different and therapy may not be for everyone and may not work for everyone so you have to decide what is best for you.

0 Comments

Long term therapy

9/30/2015

0 Comments

First of all - what is long term therapy? I would say that this is anything lasting longer than a few months and successful therapy can last for years. Long term therapy is very much intertwined with the therapy relationship - that between client and therapist. And this is where the healing lies. Indeed, studies have shown that the actual type of therapy itself is irrelevant in determining the outcome - what is important is the therapeutic alliance - which consists of the goal (or contract) and the relationship. Key aspects of the relationship include trust, respect, openness and honesty, acceptance and attachment to name a few. And if there are problems in any of these particular areas that does not mean the relationship can’t work; far from it: the relationship can be the vehicle for the therapist and client to work through such problems, thus helping the client further.

The therapeutic relationship can offer a microscope to human relationships - in carefully considering what happens in the therapy room, in a safe and respectful way, thoughts, feelings, behaviours can be illuminated and explored. This can be both painful and challenging but can also bring intense relief and liberation. And from this, if desired, other options can be explored.

The goal - or contract within therapy can change and evolve over long term therapy - or indeed it may remain the same. The client and therapist will work towards the goal mutually and respectfully, reviewing the contract from time to time and as necessary. It is also useful for the client and therapist to check in with each other regularly to assess progress to make adjustments where needed and to keep the work on track.

Undertaking therapy is a commitment, a commitment to yourself. Doing this over a long period of time can be challenging but ultimately, developing a relationship over that length of time can lead to feelings of trust, acceptance and openness. These can give clients the strength to explore sides to themselves which have previously been difficult and the courage to begin to make changes in their lives.

0 Comments

How to you actually DO therapy?

7/16/2015

1 Comment

Many people wonder - how do you actually do therapy? The truth is that there is no set way to do therapy and it depends very much on the individual. Therapy usually begins by looking at the problems that brought the client to therapy in the first place. The client/therapist will usually work to a contract - this is the main goal of therapy: what the client wants to achieve by being there. After that it will also depend on the kind of therapy but the client will determine how the therapy develops, the therapist leading one step behind. Importantly, the therapy will look very personal and unique to the individual.
It can be useful to look at a client’s history to see where problems developed and where decisions about life were made - however, some clients have very few memories about their childhood and this is not a problem. Looking at the present - how a client thinks, feels and behaves in relation to certain situations or relationships is helpful. Exploring what lies underneath these thoughts, feelings and behaviours can be challenging but enlightening and ultimately rewarding. It is then useful to explore other options available to the client, many of which may be options previously discounted and/or not even considered.

Many clients come along to sessions with a particular issue that they want to explore but very often a client will come along with no set agenda - and just see what happens in the session. Therapists talk about both content and process in psychotherapy, content being what is talked about in the session and the process being more to do with the ‘how’ - how it proceeds and how the relationship is. Many therapists - myself included - like to work in the ‘here and now’. This means exploring the process and what is going on for the client in that exact moment in the therapy room. Clues to this can also be in body language, tone of voice or thoughts and feelings experienced by the client. Also this is where the client/therapist relationship comes in - how does a client feel in relation to the therapist in that moment? Exploring this can be invaluable in helping the therapist to get to know the client and in helping them in their relationships outside of therapy.

Overall there are no rules as to what to talk about or how to do therapy and ultimately it will be different for everyone.

1 Comment

Embarking on Psychotherapy or Counselling for the first time.

6/16/2015

0 Comments

Undertaking therapy or counselling for the first time might seem like a daunting challenge. Opening up to a complete stranger about stuff you may never have spoken about before can promote anxiety; making that initial contact can feel like a very big a step. You may be worried about whether or not your problems warrant psychotherapy, you might think - “well there is alway someone else worse off than me….” etc. You may be worried about what the therapist will think of you or ask: What if its too painful? What if I cry? What if I get stuck in therapy for years, or become too dependant on the therapist? What if I fail, or the therapy doesn't work? And what about those vulnerable feelings that you just don’t want to feel. What if you don’t understand why you need help but just feel that you do.

All of these fears are common and an experienced and supportive therapist will understand and support you in those fears whilst also giving you space to explore them. Its also worth bearing in mind that most therapists will have undertaken their own therapy and so will understand what it is like to be in your position.

There are all kinds of psychotherapy and counselling: psychodynamic, person centred, CBT, hypnotherapy, humanistic, gestalt, integrative, transactional analysis etc. It may well be worth researching some of the different kinds out there to find what feels best for you - some therapies are more cognitive, structured and time bound with homework and assessments whilst others are more relationship based and humanistic, giving you space to explore your thoughts and feelings at your own pace.

It's important to find someone you feel you can work with. Each therapist will have their own unique personality and if there’s something that you don’t feel comfortable about with the therapist then the chances are you won’t feel relaxed enough to open up to them. Many therapists offer a free initial assessment session which can give you the opportunity to find out more about the therapy and also importantly so that you can both see if you can work together - if your therapist feels they can help you and importantly if the therapist feels right for you.

Many people say it's a relief to finally make that first step and to talk about what’s on their mind. To be listened to and heard by someone unconnected to their everyday life can feel liberating and people usually leave the session feeling more hopeful.

Ultimately only you can make the choice to start therapy but once you have then it's a great place to no longer have to make such decisions alone.

0 Comments

EMDR and Trauma

Are you your own worst critic?

Avoidance in Psychotherapy

Transactions - what puts the 'T' in TA

The Functional Model of Ego states in Transactional Analysis

So what is Transactional Analysis?

Why choose psychotherapy? (Or any other talking therapy for that matter).

Long term therapy

How to you actually DO therapy?

Embarking on Psychotherapy or Counselling for the first time.

Author

Archives

Categories